Oh Issac Clarke, why is it you always get invites from girlfriends to visit such far away places? The first game was to visit your one time living girlfriend in the furthest reaches of space. The third game is an invite from your new ex girlfriend to go on a vacation to kill the Necromorphs once and for all on their home planet no less! He reluctantly agrees, while her new boyfriend that is on the trip wholeheartedly disagrees, but well there’s only one space ship and we’re closer to the vacation destination. So we all hop in the space car and head for the planet.
I only remember six people being a part of the story. Issac, his ex girlfriend, her new boyfriend, an old man, an ethnically diverse woman and the new boyfriend’s disfigured lackey. Well on the way to the planet, the space ship tore up due to someone’s bad driving. A hole was punctured in the side and we lost who I thought was the ethnically diverse woman in our group. I was pretty shocked they’d just kill her off. Then from there the pilot took a blade to the face and I was pretty shocked they’d kill off the new boyfriend that easily! After that, issac’s ex girlfriend was ripped out of the space ship too. Getting there is half the fun and its not any fun unless someone dies, which was everyone aboard but Issac.
At the vacation destination Issac was greeted by warm bonfires and beautiful scenery if you never open your eyes. Issac was in paradise at last! He was the only person there, but he had survived! Any landing you can walk away from is a good one right? The first part of the vacation was spent roasting marsh mellows by the fire. It was romantic if it wasn’t just Issac by himself.
After searching through the white snowy beaches of necroplanet, Issac was finally reunited with his lost love. She was burried in a foot of snow so deep that Issac couldn’t even tell it was her… because it wasn’t. It was the pilot that took a blade in the face. Then a video started playing to get Issac’s attention. It was her and her boyfriend and the ethnically diverse woman. Somehow I had missed the part in the game where they had picked up two entirely new characters to kill off in this space ship crash. I mean landing.
So it was on to catch up with the party bus that had just left him. He wasn’t alone though, there was plenty of friendly wildlife like space wookies that sprang up from the ground and wanted to greet our hero. Issac however hates nature so after severing their legs from their bodies, he also used the same laser to cut off their arms. That is before he stomped them to death for loot. How space wookies would ever get ammunition and health I will never know. Maybe it was the tourists just feeding them that gave the wookies a rich bounty of scrap metal. Perhaps they were once people…. yes enough people to populate the entire island of Manhattan all in an abandon research outpost. People that grew fur. Its cool though.
You know, at this point, Issac was probably wondering why he ever ditched his ex girlfriend train face int he previous game. She never left him…. ever. That’s what having a ghost girlfriend means. They never leave you alone, but then Issac would remember, she had a lot of kids. When I say a lot I mean dozens. Enough for a reality show. Men suffer through anything if it means they don’t have to put up with kids or growing up.
After trudging through the white sandy beaches, Issac finally found one of the others with the tour. He was dying and cold so they left him fro dead in a freezing building. You know what was before that building? Other buildings with heat. Well I made them have heat, but I assumed that’s because the new boyfriend turned on the heat so they could get cozy, then turned off the heat because he is as Issac says, “he’s a dick.”
At that point, I just assumed that Issac’s ex girlfriend and new boyfriend were just having a vacation without him. Like they’re just off having fun, dropping the dead weight. Not even giving him a gun, because he’d probably use it on himself. Just having a jolly old time waking up all the wookie necromorphs to come after Issac.
It became more evident when Issac finally caught up to them. Even brought together once again, Issac was still the one sent off to do things so they could have alone time. Issac was just their butler and the ethnically diverse woman apparently was their maid or camera woman. As for their buddy scarface, the new boyfriend’s lackey. He was there, but like always he’s just some background character waiting to die.
Speaking of waiting to die, scar face and the new boyfriend are some sort of military I presume. They both still have on tactical armor instead of Issac’s lowly space suit. Yet its Issac doing all the fighting. There is also a point where Issac needs a thermal suit before he can pass. Well long after he needs it to pass, these two don’t have thermal suits. Perhaps that’s because the military armor has thermals in them, yet I remember the new ex boyfriend saying how cold it is.
As part of the vacation, the gang wants to go spelunking down into a cavern that also just so happens to be the giant chest of a necromorphic colossus. No one offers to go first, so naturally Issac gets sent down into the depths and is told to shoot the fleshy interior walls with electrical probes. Its funny, because the ethnically diverse woman says its okay, because its dead. Well wanna know what else is dead? Necromorphs. They’re dead, yet alive. Like that one horror movie directed by the Lord of the Rings director.
After being pulled out somehow still alive, the new boyfriend locked Issac in a cage so the boyfriend can have some alone time with his girlfriend. I like how in games and Steven King novels, everyone is just so willing to turn on one another in a situation that may cost lives. Those lives that are needed to preserve your own life. No matter how stupid and illogical it is to go on vacation to a dead planet covered in snow inhabited by a race of creatures you’re trying to run away from.
Well sometimes you need to put on your big girl pants and go stop the dead queen of the creatures once and for all. Of course there’s the obvious thing that begs the question. If its their queen and she’s “dead,” destroying her doesn’t matter. Earlier in the game ther was a foreshadow that leads me to speculate there’s more than one queen on the planet, and if there’s more than one queen, there’s probably dozens across other planets.