There is a lot of love in video games and with Valentine’s Day is coming, I thought that I’d write about unconventional romances in a two part series. Like DLC, I’m splitting up what can easily be a long article into two bite-sized chunks. I want to lay down some ground rules here, because this won’t be a list full of two people loving one another. Only one of them has to be a person. Heck one of them is only 15% human but 100% man where it, but there’s a romance there.
PORTAL: CHELL & WEIGHTED COMPANION CUBE This one is pretty obvious to people. Its an inanimate object that cannot love you back as Chell. This cube isn’t just a means to solve puzzles, it becomes a friend that blocks bullets and a platform you can get to higher heights with. The one thing that you can’t do with the companion cube is bring it with you to the next level since there will always be a force field that disintegrates non living material. So instead, you’re forced by a fiendish artificial intelligence to destroy it in the emergency intelligence incinerator. We all have to wonder. Why does a weighted companion cube need an intelligence incinerator and not just a fire pit? Its not like the cube can ever be sentient, because the person inside is already dead. Just like some of us that play games in our rooms. DINNER DATE: YOU & YOUR LEFT HAND You play as Julian Luxenburg as he waits for his date at a dinner table. Julian is a man that can really show a woman a good time, even when he’s by himself. As he waits, he finds a new date by making out with the wine bottle time and time again. That will certainly make his date jealous seeing his lips all over another gaping hole. Then he finds himself dipping his spoon in another man’s soup. Time and time again he gulps down the hot loving life water to make his date jealous. With enough courage he has a big chase scene to his window where he takes a fag in his mouth. I’m probably making the game sound better than it really is. Its just you alone at a table in your own small closet sized kitchen. You drink wine, sip soup and have a cigarette by the window. By the end, Julian leaves for what is probably a better night with friends at a bar than you had playing this game. Maybe he was going off to be with his hand. We will never know. BRAID: NEW YORKER & A PRINCESS If you’ve heard the story of a common New Yorker trying to save his princess in a fantastical land before, you’ll find again in Braid. You play as Tim, a man searching for his princess in a game that twists and weaves time together like her braided hair. As it turns out, like I’ve always said about Mario and Peach, Tim isn’t the hero. He’s the man trying to steal the princess. Like all New Yorkers, Tim is evil and in love with destruction. He stomps on enemies, murders them mercilessly and uses his god like powers to prevent his own death. Tim has the ability to rewind time, which one would think he can just rewind it back to a time before his princess went missing, but no life isn’t that easy. If you have the power to rewind time there has to be limitations on it. DAIKATANA: JOHN ROMERO & KILLCREEK CASE I figured that I’d throw in this couple, because behind Daikatana there is a love story. Daikatana is the love child between a beautiful long haired long haired bimbo and his level designer. Two coworkers and soul mates. They met and she beat him in a Quake deathmatch where the loser would be forced to design a legendarily bad game. In advertisements for the game it said John Romero is about to make you his bitch. Well as he was saying that he meant Stevie. In return, the world made John its bitch. I’ve baby sat their love child all the way through to the end. I know what its capable of. People say that its a bad kid, but bad children only come from bad parents. Parents so bad that it resulted in a mass exidous of employees from the company or so the legend goes. I wasn’t there. SAINTS ROW: THE THIRD OLEG & KINZKIE Its not often that I see such untapped sexual and intellectual chemistry as Oleg and Kinzie Kenzington. He is a straping, tall mound of muscle from the KGB, while she is a petite power leveler from the FBI. She is the mouse to his elephant. They’re on two opposite ends of the spectrum, but they come together so brilliantly. Its their intelligent attraction. The bubbling brain chemistry. Its never accentuated in the Saints Row storyline, outside of a brief statement from Oleg on the final mission, but it is always there. I think when they do finally get together, their children will have tiny bodies and giant heads to house those big brains.
FAR CRY 3: BLOOD DRAGON: SGT. REX POWER COLT & DR. ELIZABETH VERONICA DARLING One of the shortest three word names in history manages to hook up with one of the longest names in history. When she gets married, she’ll probably hyphenate her name its so long! At first she’s just a voice in your head like all games. A beautiful woman from Rocky IV talking to you at all times. Then one thing leads to another and its probably the most awkwardly hilarious sex scene there’s ever been in a video game. Think robotic fingers walking across a back. Dark silhouettes, two mannequins bumping lips and a cigarette at the end. Its all there. At the end of the night she leaves with only a CD to remember her by. What makes them unconventional is that Rex is 85% machine.