Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon Blog (the Hilarity)

Well I played Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon with far better results this time. It was a lot of silly fun with a lot of glitches. The first silly fun was the fact I needed to get from point A to point B on the map, so I took a jeep. Simple enough. Well I don’t like following roads. I just like to go in a straight line so I don’t have to go weaving around a map that I don’t know about and probably won’t care about when I’m done with the game. Well I drove through a bush and got stuck. I figured, oh it must be a bunch of rocks that I’m stuck against. Couldn’t drive forward, couldn’t drive backward. So then I got out of the jeep…. then fell to the ground. Turns out I was stuck in a tree perfectly. That wasn’t a bush, it was a cliff that I had driven off of.

Later on as I was clearing out a compound, I was snagged on the game’s many staircases. For whatever reason, normal walking up staircases always stops me. I need to jump over the first stair before I can walk up stairs. It doesn’t matter what staircase it is. Its an amazing bug. Well one time I jumped and instead of jumping, it dropped me straight through the floor! I always thought that when you enter a compound the game puts away the exterior world and opens up an interior map level. Nope. Everything is always loaded. I saw the compound and the world as I fell through space. It was difficult to look up, the camera wanted to face down…. probably in sadness of glitching so bad. Marlow Briggs and the Mask of Death had done that to me too.

Next up, the game ran out of ideas for main missions, so it threw me in some kind of horde mode. Lucky for me they gave me one super charged weapon at a time and had me killing zombie scientists. What’s a game without zombies? Yeah I don’t know. The game liked to laugh at itself constantly calling them “Running Dead.” Yeah I get it. I didn’t need to hear it a dozen times. Anyway, in between shotgunning off zombie heads and explosive sniper rifling them…. I found a turtle. An adorable turtle just in the path. He ducked his head in, but I waited for him to poke out again. Amongst all the senseless violence, there’s still a bit of humanity in me.

I really warmed up to the game in the final hour. Of course it has to end when it got good. It kicked off with a comical training montage. Nothing like a cybernetic commando training his robot arm. Then it was followed by a hilarious love scene of a cybernetic arm finger walking its way up a naked back. It was all gold when I thought the game’s comedy was awful. The sad part is all of the screen shots weren’t uploaded to Steam for whatever reason. Ouch. Oh wait never mind. Here they are.

Then after getting to mow down enemies with my arm laser, I had a lot of fun riding a dragon with a battle chair on it. Complete with kitten talk from the dragon. Every silly Internet cat meme was pulled out of the bag for that one last hurrah. Followed by a cut scene instead of a boss fight.

I was happy with no boss fight, since the previous boss fight of two blood dragons was awful and long. I needed to wait until they posture up to shoot them in the heart. Well when they posture up that’s because they’re going to shoot lasers. It was a very small window of time. Then when the first one was dead, the antagonist flooded the room with soldiers. Well flooding the room with soldiers just makes it easy for me, because the dragon gets distracted trying to eat them.

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